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028 – Confrontation

Hey, kiddos! We got a couple of questions from Abigail A today! Let’s get to it! Abigail A: I was hoping you could give advice on how to get rid of cat fleas or how to confront a friend! I’m afraid I don’t know anything about cat fleas... we never got ‘em when we had cats. Seems like it’s a whole process, though. Good luck, kiddo. Confronting friends, on the other hand...  Like so many other things in life, confrontation is about communication and timing. How and when you bring something up can drastically change how that conversation goes. I’m going to assume this is something you’ve wanted to bring up for a while. A spontaneous confrontation is a different thing entirely... but I think some of the same tactics can be used. Step one: preparation. It’s easy to get flustered when you’re confronting someone. The last thing you want is to lose your cool! Think through what you want to say. What’s the problem? How does it make you feel? If you’re able to boil it down to a single sentence, you have something to return to if you start feeling nervous. For example, if I felt like a friend of mine didn’t talk to me as much as they used to, or stopped answering my texts, that might make me feel like they don’t care about me. Those are some big, heavy feelings. And with big, heavy feelings... we spiral. If I’m unprepared, I might make it a bigger thing than it needs to be. Telling my friend I don’t think they love me anymore isn’t helpful, when the problem really is that the way we talk to each other has changed. This is also a good place to work out how serious this problem is. There’s a big difference in how you handle a small annoyance and a real problem. I don’t need to organise an intervention just because my friend is late all the time. Once we’ve worked out what we want to say, and how serious of a problem this is, it’s time to pick a good moment to go through with it. How you handle this depends a lot on what kind of problem it is. Some things require a time and a place, others can just be a text message. I think it’s important to not add stress to the situation, so try to tell them you need to talk as close as possible to the talk actually happening. Nothing good comes from stewing in the dark all day! When it comes to the actual confrontation, I have one very important piece of advice. Avoid accusations at all costs. Being accused of bad behaviour - regardless if it’s true - makes people defensive. And when we get defensive, we are much harder to talk to. Phrasing is the key here. I try to ask questions, as much as I can. You can also say you’ve noticed a pattern, or a change in your relationship. Lead with kindness, as much as you can manage. I understand that you’re disappointed, or even angry at this person! But if this is a relationship that deserves fixing, you owe it to yourself to give it your best shot. Throughout all this... listen. Be patient. Be open to their point of view. Let the person know you’re bringing this up because you care about them and your relationship. Not only will this give you a better chance of resolving the situtation, but if it ends badly? You can say that you really did try your best. And... this may be a little bleak, but here goes. People who are unable to handle confrontation are unlikely to change their behaviour. If your friend won’t listen to you? There’s not much else you can do. Sometimes, you just gotta move on with your life. Good luck out there, kiddo. Friendships are hard to navigate, even in the best of times. I love you.