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027 – Breaking Up

Hello, my darlings. I heard a few of you have had a rough time lately. Pull up a chair. Let’s talk. Kittycat: 'How do you deal with heartache and heartbreak? Just got out of a relationship' Arsoaro: 'Hello Dad, I just had a break up with my girlfriend it hurts but I wasn't ready. What could I do to cope?' Dannilow: 'Hey dad ummm... I know this may be difficult to answer or maybe uh- dumb, but I had a ex gf, and I really miss her, she was the best but... We broke up because of mistakes we didn't solve before and stuff... It's already been a whole year, how do I move on? How do I stop the ache of a past love?' GoodBoyHalo: 'I just got out of a bad relationship, and now I don't really know what to do with myself, or my emotions. (it was a 6 year relationship) Im angry, sad, and lonely. Any advice?' D1RTYD1SHW4SHER:'Dad, how do I deal with going through a breakup? My boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend and I have to leave him for my own sake, I know I deserve better than him but I can’t help but wanting to run back to him, forgive him. I don’t know what to do.' Breaking up can be so rough. I’ve been on both ends of it and let me tell you, it stinks. I could tell you that time heals all wounds, that it’ll get better, that there are more fish in the sea, all true things. But not really what you want to hear, huh? It’s gonna hurt for awhile. You’re in mourning right now — you’ve lost someone important to you. Even if it was a bad relationship, there was probably a time when it... wasn’t. There’s nothing wrong with feeling your feelings. In fact, if it’s been awhile since the breakup and you’re still upset over it, chances are you’re not done sorting it out. Allow yourself to be sad, angry - whatever you’re feeling. Allow yourself to hate the other person if you need to, at least for a little bit. I don’t think we can really move on from a relationship until we’re done processing it. And we can’t process it if we avoid our feelings about it. Let me tell you about the two big relationships I had in my youth. I met my first serious boyfriend in secondary school - that’s high school, for you Americans. We were 16 when we started dating, and broke up two days before my 20th birthday. We were even engaged for a short while. It was never really a good relationship. We both had our fair share of problems we were too young to deal with and we treated what should’ve been a high school fling as a mature, adult relationship that was going to last forever. When he broke it off, I didn’t know what to do with myself. It hadn’t been good in ages, but my whole identity had been wrapped up in this... guy. It wasn’t until I wrote him a letter that I saw our relationship for what it really was. Writing down your feelings can give you a different perspective on the situation. It can help you realise what you’re really mourning, or make you look at the relationship in a different way. My other serious relationship was long distance, with a girl in the US. She was going to move over here. We had the migration papers ready. And then... well. When it turned sour, it turned really sour. The pressure of long distance and the serious nature of our relationship was, I think, more than she could handle. And she took it out on me. Relentlessly. That time, I broke it off. First in August and then again six months later because she refused to accept that I didn’t want any part of it anymore. Even after that, it dragged on. She wouldn’t let go. We were terrible for each other. I didn’t need to write anything down to let go of whatever love I felt for her - because she pushed me so far I couldn’t even remember the good times by the end of it. It’s been decades but there are still times when I think about these people and I get mad. If it meant something, I don’t think it ever really goes away. So... feel your feelings. Talk to people. Talk to yourself, through writing or out loud. Get it all out there, so you can pick through the pieces and make sense of what really happened. Learn from it, for next time. Learn  what you can do differently, and what kind of behaviour you won’t put up with. And the most important thing of all: you were your own person before this relationship. You are still your own person. It will take time to untangle your identity from this couple, but you will do it. You’re going to be okay. I know you will. And in the meantime, know you’re not alone. We are so many who have been where you are. I love you, kiddo. Take care of yourself.
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