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026 – Coming Out pt 2

Alright, kiddos! Time to dig into some questions about coming out as some flavour of queer! Mr Meow: 'Hello dad! Would you have any tips for coming out to your family? Much appreciated!' Op4l:'Hey dad! How do you come out to old people? I'm aroace and my grandma keeps asking when I'll get another boyfriend and I don't know how to tell her I don't think that's gonna happen.' MeowWoofReads:'what would be the best way to come out to someone? And do you have any tips?' Coming out is a very personal process, and how you go about it depends so much on the situation you're in. Let's break it down a bit. Number one: are you safe to come out? This can mean both in your community, as being visibly queer is still a risky thing in so many places- -but also within your home. Do you still live with your family? Are you dependent on them financially? Do you run a risk of being cut off from that social security net, if they react badly? It’s awful that we even have to consider these things, but this is how the world looks in a lot of places. Sweden is, uh... moderately better at hbtqi issues than some countries, but I’ve met homeless queer teens here too. If you still live at home and want to come out, but are concerned about your safety, please plan ahead. If you have a friend or relative you can stay with for a bit, let them know in advance. If that’s not an option, look up support resources in your local area. It’s better to be overly prepared, than caught unawares.  And if any readers have country-specific resources, please post them in the comments. I don’t trust my research skills to give you up to date information on this particular topic. Alright. You’re safe. Next question: do you want to come out? I’ve talked about this before. There’s a pressure on queer folk that we have to come out, as some rite of passage. Otherwise, our experience... doesn’t count? Here’s the truth: you do not owe anyone anything when it comes to whether you come out or not. If you want to, you should absolutely do it. But not if you feel like you “have to” in order for your identity to be valid. As for the actual coming out part... this can happen in so many ways. It depends a lot on how you communicate, and how you think the person you’re talking to takes in information. If you’re nervous about it, it could be easier to write a letter, even if you just read it out loud in person. If you need moral support, maybe pick a person you feel safe coming out to and then ask them to help you with the trickier members of your family. There’s also the lead-up, the... testing the waters approach. Talking to them about other queer people, or queer issues can give you an idea of how they feel about it. Maybe planning it out isn’t your style at all, and you just have to jump in the deep end when you feel the time has come! Any way you do it is valid. Daniel Howell of Youtube fame came out to his family in an e-mail. Trixie Mattel spontaneously told her brother during a car trip. I came out to my mum as trans in the middle of a phone call about Masterchef! I didn’t plan that, but the timing seemed... well, not bad. One thing to consider is that coming out is rarely one and done. We continue to come out throughout our lives, in different contexts and to different people. Maybe even to ourselves, as our identities change. We tend to see older generations as ignorant about queerness, and while that may be true for some people, queer people have always been here. Chances are the old folks in your life have come in contact with a gay person before. And even if they’re not up to date with the latest lingo, you can still explain your feelings to them in a more general way. Terms like aroace, nonbinary or using neopronouns can be alienating to people who haven’t been exposed to those terms before. But maybe they’ll understand or at least respect you if you say you’re happy on your own, or that you’re not interested in dating. Once you’ve established what Your Deal is, you can start introducing them to the details of that Deal. Which leads me to my last point. Your life is yours to live. There’s a risk the people in your life may not understand your identity, or your “choices”. This is not your problem to solve. While I haven’t had pushback with my gender or sexual identity, there was a time when relatives didn’t accept that I don’t want kids. Er. Except all of you, of course. Hearing that I’ll change my mind in the future, or that I’ll love my own kids even if I can’t stand others -which is a wild gamble to make- was taxing to hear, but in the end, not something I could do a lot about. So I didn’t engage with that kind of talk. When people said “you don’t want kids?” I simply replied: Nope! In a firm but friendly tone and that was the end of the conversation, as far as I was concerned. What I’m saying is, their thoughts on your life are at the end of the day irrelevant. It can be so hard to not be understood by your family, but it’s not your job to convince them. Your life is not up for discussion. This isn’t some opinion they can talk you out of. You know yourself better than anyone. You are right. Before I go, I want you to know that I love you. This is not a bit. I think about my readers every day. I hope you’re doing okay. I hope you find safety, and peace. I love you, kiddo. With all my little heart. Whoever and wherever you are. Good luck.