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006 – Girlfriend pt 3

The time has come You’ve taken a hard look at yourself, explored the dark corners of your soul, even learned you deserve to be treated with love and respect.  I’m so proud of you. You’ve done so good.  And now, the real work begins. It’s time to find you a girlfriend, kiddo.  First step: find a person. Depending on where you are in life, this can be difficult enough.  When I was younger, I usually just found one of my classmates that I got along with. On one hand, it was easy to find excuses to talk to that person!  On the other, there wasn’t a lot of quality people to choose from.  As you grow older, you have the opposite problem. So many people to choose from, but they’re so hard to find!  I can’t really help you actually find a person. You know much better than I do where there’s people in your life. I can give you some general advice on how to start looking.  In my experience, every functional relationship I’ve ever had started with a mutual interest. Think about what you enjoy doing, or what interests you have.  Where do people who like these things hang out?  Is there a local group that meet up to play board games? A rock climbing gym? An evening creative writing class?  Before you go signing up for a pottery class just to hit on people- don’t.  You should sign up for a pottery class because ceramics are real cool and maybe you’ll sit behind someone real cute and your hands accidentally touch when you reach for the same glaze.  Maybe meeting people in person first isn’t for you. A lot of us are busy, or broke, or anxious. This is where the Internet comes in.  While love can bloom on the message boards, it’s hard to know if the people on there are looking for it.   Doesn’t hurt to try though, and in the meantime you can work on your social skills and maybe make some online friends!  With dating apps, you kinda know that you’re looking for the same thing. On the other hand, it’s a crap shoot.  The chance of you ending up talking to a lot of boring, uninterested people before you find someone you click with is high... ...and even then, the way we act online can be very different from how we act in person.  I’ve experienced online dating in a few different shapes. Some people I talked to wasn’t so much interested in me as a person, they just wanted a warm body. Others seemed really cool until we met up and I realised how deeply depressed they were. They were in no shape to go into a relationship! And then there was that girl from the US. We found each other on a roleplaying forum, where we both played characters from the same manga! We ended up being in a long-distance relationship for about two years. It ended real bad, but I did get to live in Lancaster, Pennsylvania for a month. That’s an experience I’ll always treasure.  And of course, me and my life partner met on Tinder! He asked if I was going to the local comic con and the rest is history.  What I’m saying is, don’t give up. If you don’t try, then you’ll stay like you are right now.  Alright, you’ve picked your spot. Next problem: talking to people.  This too can be real tough. During my Tinder days, I matched with a whole bunch of guys but only two of them knew how to continue a conversation beyond a 'hi' One was my current partner, the other was some guy who only wanted to talk about geocaching.  There’s a lesson in that. You gotta talk to people. You gotta learn how to continue a conversation. Be interested in what the other person has to say, show that you’re paying attention, ask them questions. If they ask you something, give them an answer they can build on!  For example, if someone asks you how your day is going, don’t just say “good”.  Give them some detail about what you’re up to, even if it’s just watching Love is Blind. Maybe they don’t care, but that’s on them.  This is not an easy thing to do and you’ll need to practice to get good at it. That’s okay. What you’re building is a life skill you can use for so much more than dating. Hold on to that.  A conversation is also a good indicator of what the relationship will look like. You can pick up on all sorts of things.  Do you have the same humor? Do they understand your point of view, or share your values? Or are they just really boring? Then you know to bail out early!  We’re in the home stretch now, kiddo. You found your person. You’re talking to the person. It’s going well, and you’ve agreed to meet up for a coffee or some fun activity you’re both into.  Congratulations, you’ve got yourself a date! Since I don’t know what kind of date you’re going on, here’s some general advice that’ll work in most cases.  Hygiene. Shower, deodorant, clean clothes. This can go such a long way. I know you might be insecure about your looks, especially meeting someone new, but we have the bodies we have and we’re gonna do the best we can.  If you want to shave, put on makeup, do something special with your hair and clothes then go ahead! I’m just saying a nice smell and a fresh face is plenty.  Be on time. Leave a little early if you can, and if you’re running late you let them know immediately. You don’t know each other well enough yet to leave them waiting.  One time, I was waiting for a guy for 40 minutes before I got a hold of him and he wasn’t even in town that weekend. So, uh. Don’t be that guy.  Don’t be afraid of silence, but don’t give them the sole responsibility of keeping the conversation going. Ask them questions. Pay attention. Get to know them. We’ve been training for this very moment, kid.  Lower your expectations. This maybe sounds controversial, but trust me on this one. If you put too much pressure on this first date, chances are there won’t be a second one.  The other person is probably as nervous as you are. They might be awkward or shy, or look a little different to how you pictured them. Deal with it.  Don’t take it too seriously. If you’re caught up in how this is the start of a relationship, you’re gonna come on too strong or be disappointed if they don’t feel the same.  Try to be present in the moment. I know it’s hard, but you can do it. Enjoy the time you have together. Maybe something’ll come out of it. Maybe you’ll be better off as friends, and who doesn’t need more friends?  Maybe you’ll never see each other again, and that’s okay too. You tried. You put yourself out there, you lived, you can do it again.  And whatever happens, I’m so proud of you. It takes guts to grow as a person, and that’s exactly what you’re doing.  That’s all the advice I got to give you. You ready?  Knock ‘em dead, kid.
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