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051 – All Shapes and Sizes

Hey kiddos. We've reached the last part of the mental health trilogy: body image. Like always, if this is a tough subject for you, skip this one. I'll be here when you're ready to come back. Anonymous: Can you teach me how to deal with people making fun of my weight at school?? Nora to the Stars: Do you know how to build confidence with your body image? I’m plus size and I’m not sure if I should drive myself nuts trying to lose weight or drive myself a different kind of nuts trying to accept my body as is. Alieyta: Hey dad, do you have any tips on fitting in? I am much smaller than my peers... and sometimes I get bullied. Do you have any tips?  I've thought about this question almost daily since I got it, and to be honest, I don't know if I have a good answer. Like always, I'll try my best. Bear with me. I wasn't bullied as a kid — or if I was, and didn't notice — it wasn't about my body. But I WAS a teenager in the late 90's and early 2000s. Skeletal thin models. Kate Winslet being described as 'fat'. Later, pro-ana groups on tumblr. It was everywhere, and lately that patriarchal body image is being dug up and dragged around again. Let me be clear: the idea of the 'ideal body' is rooted in misogyny, racism and transphobia. The sooner we see this as a tool for control, rather than an ideal for beauty and youth, the better. Are there good reasons why you'd want to change the way your body looks? Sure. But other people's opinions, no matter how prevalent, ain't it. Body image is a difficult nut to crack, but I think one way to get some breathing room is to build confidence *outside* our shape. Taking focus off the thing that stresses us out can help in actually doing something with it. I always say we have the bodies we have, and that's true in several ways. We cannot change our physical circumstances overnight. We have the body we have. And that body will continue to change as we age, go through injury or illness, childbirth, exercise... And in *some* ways, our bodies can *never* change. Some things are genetic. If you're tall, you're tall. If you're tiny, you're tiny. You can't turn a St Bernhard into a Chihuahua, no matter how much you want to. We need to change our perspective. Rather than focusing on losing or gaining weight, we need a more useful goal. What do you want to *do* with your body? For example, I'm in my forties. My goals with my body right now is to improve cardio, and strengthen my knees before they turn to dust. Will I lose weight in the process? I couldn't tell you. I haven't stepped on a scale since 2010. My focus is on health, not weight. I think low self-esteem in how we look makes us uncomfortable thinking about our bodies. We become avoidant. I'm not going to ask you to strip nude and look in the mirror, but try to sit in your body for a little bit. What kind of movement do you like? How does your muscles feel? When do you feel strong, or fast, or flexible? And if you feel weak or stiff — what would you like to do that could make it better? Doing something from a place of joy and fun will always yield better results than if we force ourselves into diets and exercise fads.All that is simply not sustainable. As for bullying and fitting in... I have bad news for you. It's not about your size. Bullies will always find something to bully. You can shrink yourself to the point where you don't know who you are anymore and it won't be enough. Bullies bully because they choose to. Every day, they decide this is what they want to do with their short time on earth. Ridicule. Punch down. Can you even imagine anything more pathetic? And while some may have excuses - poor self-esteem, tough environment, peer pressure - for why they decide to be terrible people... There are thousands of others with the exact same excuses, who choose not to do an impression of a hot piece of garbage. They might make fun of you for being big or small or black or gay but can you imagine being *them?* Of being so afraid of being human that they behave this way? I could tell you to tell an adult, or HR or whatever is appropriate, and you *should* if you think it could help! Especially if you don't feel safe! But in the day to day... I don't know. Only you know your own situation. I will tell you what I think kept me from being bullied. Bear in mind that I am white and probably conventionally attractive, so I had that privilege. But I was also a complete weirdo. People should have bullied me. I think the only reason they didn't was because I scared them. I did not care about their opinion. In fourth grade, a girl called me a boy for whatever reason, and I just stared at her. How is being a boy an insult? How is being *fat* an insult? Refusing to understand that you *are* being bullied takes the air out of it. Does it still hurt? Of course. But why play a game that is always rigged against us? Note that I'm not saying you should ignore them and they'll go away. If you have the courage and you feel safe, talk back. Not with insults, just ask what they mean. Make them say it with their whole chest. Make them spell it out. I could go on about this but I think I'm already going in circles out of sheer fury. If nothing else, remember this: I am on your side. I would happily bite them and bite them and bite them. Do you have any experience dealing with bullying that you would be comfortable sharing? Let me know in the comments! We are a community, we take care of each other here. Until next time, kiddo. I love you exactly as you are, no matter how much you change.
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