046 – Burden – Rowan Oats

Hey, kiddo. A bit of a long one this time, so get yourself something to drink and we’ll dive right in.

Listen: you’re far from the only one who feels like this. And maybe it’s simple to ask for help, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

I do have some practical advice, but I think it’d be best if I told you my own experiences first, for context.

I’m an only child. My parents ran a landscaping company when I was little. They were always so busy, working long hours and worrying about money.

Worry leads to fighting and as a lonely kid living in the middle of nowhere, you want as little of that as possible. There’s nowhere to run, so you do what you can to make your situation better.

I was eleven when I taught myself how to cook, from the back of a macaroni box. I asked my mom to show me how to do laundry, so I could at least take care of some of it.

No one told me to do it. I just wanted to lessen the burden on my parents.

As I grew older, I piled on more responsibilities. I was a helper. I did everything in my power to lighten the load.

But kids have problems too. At thirteen, I was diagnosed with scoliosis. I had spinal surgery, twice. I wasn’t allowed to even tie my own shoes for a year.

That’s where things changed, in my mind. No one had told me that the chores I took on were helpful. It was just normal behaviour.

So when I couldn’t do them anymore, I didn’t return to how things were before I started helping out, I went deep into the red in the bank account of helpfulness.

When I was dead broke, I took on dollar commissions and worked 100 hour weeks for months. I put myself in such a disadvantage in life. Everything was so much harder than it had to be.

And for what? Because I didn’t believe I deserved help? Because I didn’t think anyone would help me? Because, to me, every time I asked for help it added to the debt I could never repay?

Here’s the core of the problem: we talk about help as if it’s a transaction. That was certainly the environment I grew up in. You do me a favour, and I owe you one in return.

Feeling like a burden means we’ve fallen into a capitalist trap. It’s not our fault. It’s by design.

By holding complete independence up as an ideal, we harm ourselves and each other in ways we don’t even realise. We become isolated, afraid, mistrusting.

And when we can’t ask for help, we pay for it. Literally. We can’t talk to our friends, so we pay for a therapist. We can’t ask for help cleaning the house, so we pay a stranger.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing bad about paying for a service you need. But do we always need it? Or is it filling a hole where community should go?

We are meant to be burdens. If we as a species didn’t help each other when we needed it, we never would’ve made it out of the primordial ooze.

Anyone trying to tell you differently wants to sell you something.

Sorry. I care a lot about this topic. I care about you. My life would have been so different if I knew how to ask for help. I don’t want you to repeat my mistakes.

I promised you practical advice and here it is. Practice makes everything easier.

If you’re having a hard time asking for help, start with the smallest thing you can think of. Ask someone’s advice on what shirt you should wear, or if they can hpass you the salt.

It may not seem like much, but just like with debt it all adds up over time.

This next trick worked really well for me, but it’s, uh. Controversial, maybe. You see, independence is arrogance.

If you think it’s fine to help others, but not them helping you... do you think you’re better than them? That you’re so special that you don’t need anyone else?

Saying those things to myself made me feel like a silicon valley bro and anything is worth doing just to make that feeling stop. There’s also a softer version, if that’s a little too harsh.

How does helping others make you feel? Do you not want the people around you to feel that way? Why would you deny them that?

I think the most important part of all of this is to get out of our own heads. It’s not about me, it’s about _us._ It’s about the culture we nurture. If you can ask for help, maybe others can too.

It’s not a bad idea to think about why you feel like a burden, either. When did it start? Who made you feel this way, even if it wasn’t on purpose? Where does this belief come from?

One last thing. Gratitude. It

Asking for help became a lot easier when I started acknowledging how people are already helping me, even if I didn’t ask them to.

For example, thanking my partner for emptying the dishwasher serves two purposes. One, I focus on feeling thankful rather than guilty that I didn’t do it first.

And two, I acknowledge that he contributed to our community. And then he is seen and appreciated... the way I needed to be as a child.

Thank you so much for sticking with me to the end. I’m so grateful for each and every one of you. You help me in ways you may not realise.

I love you, kiddos. Until next time.