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016 – Bisexual Business

Your Dad is reading Flamman, a socialistic newspaper from Sweden. Oh! Hey, kiddo! Guess it's that time again, huh? It's RinatheLeoBina again! They ask... I'm in need of advice or maybe just some encouragement. I haven’t come out to my family about my bisexuality. I know I'm keeping a huge part of my life from them and even my partner but I know they aren't ready to accept me or the people I care about most in the world. Am I being dishonest by keeping them in the dark? am I selfish for wanting them in my life even if I'm lying? Let me start by saying this: your family might think they’re entitled to know everything about you. They’re not. As children, we’re told that we can tell our parents anything. Or, on the flipside, we’re expected to share everything with them. Keeping something private is the same as keeping a secret, and that’s a short step away from lying   in some people’s eyes. You are not being dishonest when you keep this from them. You are protecting yourself from harm. I did the same thing, for decades. My own father often told me that I could confide in him, that there was nothing I couldn’t tell him. And my gut reaction was always 'I don’t trust what you’ll do with that information.' Ask yourself, do you want them to share that part of your life, or do you feel obligated to tell them? If telling your family something personal puts you in a position that makes you feel unsafe or uncomfortable, then who are you doing it for? Also, as we grow older and build our own lives, it’s normal and healthy to create different spheres. Some parts of them intersect, some never touch. This is how it should be, and building a good relationship with someone can only happen when we willingly and comfortably let those spheres overlap. With something as personal and intimate as sexuality and gender, I also have to ask... How is this any of their business? Is it because you’re not straight and “normal” that you should disclose this information? Are we queers obligated to tell people we like looking at girls? I don’t buy it. Here’s the thing about coming out: you don’t have to do it. Ever. I’m not saying remain in the closet, I’m just saying... you don’t have to do it. You are exactly the same amount of bisexual whether you tell people or not. I never came out as bisexual, I just showed up with a girlfriend one day and refused to explain myself. How my family dealt with that was not my problem! As for wanting them in your life, there’s nothing selfish about that. We want our family to accept us and love us no matter what, and honestly... it’s kind of on them if you feel like your sexuality would make or break this relationship. I don’t know your situation so I’m not going to make any assumptions... but it breaks my heart that your family makes you feel this way. It really does. I guess what I’m saying is... put your comfort and safety first. There’s no rush. You can do it now, or find an opportunity later when your situation is better for it. You don’t have to do it at all, if that’s what you decide. Allow them to be a part of your life on your own terms, when they’ve earned to privilege to do so. However you decide to handle this, I’m on your side. I love you, entirely as you are.